My Life With Cancer

I wrote a big portion of this one night when I was depressed, I needed to write something and I did. I have also added other things too that I thought would be interesting to others to learn about what I am going through as a cancer patient and an amputee and what others go through that are in my position, also there are questions that I have asked that are thoughts of what will happen.

I sit on my bed in the corner of the room, trash can sitting next to me. I lean over it and pull out my hair. I am a cancer patient who received another round of chemo after a long stretch of not receiving any and I grew a good amount of my hair back. Soon after, two weeks or so the hair starts to fall out. Now it is falling out in clumps. So, I sit on my bed in the corner of the room and pull my hair out.

It is a tragic thing to see your hair fall out, worst than the first time it fell out. I am defiantly having a harder time this time than last time with this. Know one knows that I am doing this right now in my family. I am depressed. It isn't the first time, I go through it a lot, in waves. I keep to myself. I know this is wrong to keep to myself but I just can't face telling anyone. Who should I talk to? None of my friends have gone through this, or family, so who do talk to? Do I need help? I know I need to talk to someone to get it all out but I just can't do it.

I really don�t like to talk to anybody about it unless they ask and at times if it is my mom or someone I normaly don't say anything, why worry her, I know she wants to hear it but I can�t talk to her or my stepdad I will talk when it is time for me to. I went to band camp in August and they asked and I didn�t have a problem telling them what was wrong with me, but we never got into the close personal stuff that was in me and only the right person, who ever that might be that day, would get out of me. My thought is, would my band friends understand what I was saying to them? Some would, some wouldn�t. As far as I know I am the first one in my school to have this happen to.

I go through denial too. Not much just enough though. My mom has never seen it but I guess it is just another one of those private things again. I have my moments. Why did this happen to me? Why did I deserve this, I was a good kid, loved sports and to run and jump so why me? Why? The only way to get out of it is to believe that God had a purpose for everything, and everything has a purpose, what mine is I don�t know, it might just be to tell people my story, I really don�t know.

You think about life as like a box of chocolates. You really don�t know what your going to get next and where your path of life is going to go. I never know, each day is different. Everyone�s life changes, in good ways and in bad ways, yeah my life as changed in a bad way but it is going to get batter sooner or later. Hopefully sooner. Really I guess it has, the amputation has freed me of my cancer and I have a new leg now and I am walking again. So all in all I guess it has improved.

As far as I know I am the first one in my school to have this happen to. So, I think to myself, what is going to happen when I go back to school? Am I going to be treated any differently? Or just the same guy I was before. Hopefully I won�t be looked at in a bad way. I know at first there is going to be some mean kids that are going to say somethings. People are scared of what they don�t know so they have to be mean about it to feel better.

Graduation. What is going to happen on graduation day? Mom said that I will be greatly applauded that I am there and receiving a diploma with my class from what I had to go through this year to graduate with my class. I would greatly appreciate that and I know my family would too. It will hopefully be a great day. A day to remember.

Depression is a weird thing. I know this, I have gone through a good share of it. You really don�t know when or where, you just feel so depressed that you have to let it out. It just kind of happens. You know the reason why it happens you really don�t know when it is going to happen. Having cancer is hard. You really don't know what is going to trigger the depression, it just kind of happens. I feel depressed most when I think about what I rather be doing than sitting in the hospital sick, weak, depressed, and just down right sick of everything. All I have to do is let it out though, I do this by talking to someone at the right time, or writing or typing. This what I am writing all started because I was depressed. If you remember it was because of my hair. It feels good to just let it all out once in a while. Once its out you feel less depressed and you can get back to your somewhat normal life. Most of the time us cancer patients don�t have a normal life, we are in the hospital or our blood counts are down and we can't go anywhere or eat what you want. Crying heals the soul I was told by someone once, and it does.

I am also an amputee, I look at myself that way, people see me as that way, that is what I am. I don�t denie it. But there are things that amputees� have to go through. Like just knowing that it is gone, is hard enough. There is the mourning of the loss, depression, self-esteem, self-image, sexuality, family problems, and there is prosthetics involved and getting back to your normal activities. There are a lot of things and more than this. I have to handle two things in my life, cancer and an amputation.

I never really mourned for my lose after the amputation, some people do but I really didn�t. I mourned after surgeries for about 5 minutes and that was it. I guess it was because I was tired of hopping around my house all the time or walking with crutches. I wanted to walk and I think that is why I didn�t mourn as much or as long as others do. I have moments once and awhile now but not much, probably the normal as any amputee.

Depression about the amputation is just like being depressed about having cancer, you get depressed when I am still walking around on crutches and I see people on TV running and jumping a want o be in their shoes so much but I�m not. That is what is most depressing. And I guess when I want to do something and I can�t but that goes back to running and jumping also. Really I don�t get depressed as much about the amputation, other than it happened to me, than I do about having cancer.

My self-image is a big part in an amputation. What am I going to look like? How am I going to feel about myself? Also how are people going to see me as? This also goes into self-esteem to. The one thing is, is that image is everything when it comes to a teen and other teens judge you by that. I don�t want to feel like a freak or anything like that and I know people some people are going to look at me that way and some are going to look at me as any normal person and that is what I want.

Another thing right now that goes through my mind. Sexuality. Sexuality is more than reproductive organs and the act of sexual intercourse. It includes giving and receiving pleasure, sharing intimacy and affection, and communicating deep feelings. How is another girl going to look at me? Is she going to look at me as a freak? Like why would I ever want to go out with a guy with one leg? I hear that it is harder to find that right one now if you have an amputation. That is how people judge, unless you get a lucky one she judges on what�s in the inside and not on the outside. I think to myself sometimes, I know the girls in my school and they know me, they know me now. I have dated in my school am I going to now since everyone knows what I have gone through? Is anyone going to be interested in me now?

I have a prosthetic and I am still getting use to it. They are hard to understand unless you have an interest in our have has to deal with one in the family or yourself. This is the field I have decided to go to now since this has all happened. I probably would have never have decided this if it wasn�t for this. it is a long process, wearing it, walking with it, and talking it on and off, and things like that. The hardest thing for me is getting confident enough to put weight on it. I have finally been able to get some confidence since after a month I have finally been able to walk with one crutch under my arm. It is a difficult thing but in time I will walk with no crutches around the house. no more help in carrying things for me, no more people doing things for me. I will be able to do things for myself again. that is something to look forward to, and the day that I walk in the doors of my school again without help of crutches or a cane, just myself.

One last thing with the amputation and having a prosthetic is getting back to my normal activities. They are: Basketball, track, marching and pep band, swimming, hanging out with my friends and driving. They tell me that I will be able to do all things a use to be able to and more. I have heard some cool new things that I can do. One thing comes to mind that a person in great shape and has all there limbs can�t do, which is wheelchair races. I am getting pretty good in a wheelchair, I would want to spend my life in one but maybe for a game of wheelchair races. This would be really fun. There are other things that I will be able to do that only amputees are able to do and I hope I will be able to do some of these things, my chooses have been broadened.